1. He only texts you after 1 a.m. It’s a scientific fact that all booty calls happen after 1 a.m. All those cars you see driving around after 12:59? People out in the streets past 1? They’re all on their way to a booty call.
2. He gets frustrated when you invite him over to watch a movie and actually just want to watch a movie. Most guys would be like, “Alright, cool. If I can’t have sex, I guess actually getting to watch the entirety of The Hunger Games: Catching Fire is a pretty good consolation prize.” But when you swat away his thigh-climbing hand he’s suddenly tired and has to go home.
3. You never meet his friends. The less information you have about him, the easier it is for him to ghost you. If you don’t know who he hangs out with, or where he lives, or what his last name is, he can disappear like a phantom into the night. A phantom who banged you a bunch of times and then stopped answering texts, which would make for a shittier Broadway play than the kind of phantom that hangs out in operas. But a phantom nonetheless.
4. He makes it really hard for you to sleep over. He never straight-up says you have to leave (That wouldn’t get him a next hookup!) but he always has a “thing” really early the next morning. A “thing with friends” or “a work thing” or “some family thing.” You know families don’t have picnics at 5 a.m. though.
5. He always hands you everything before you leave. Did you forget your bra? Some lipstick? Your purse? A single bobby pin? If you never forget anything there, you can never have an excuse to show up when he doesn’t want you to. If you tried to show up unsolicited anyway, you’d probably find the place abandoned and boarded up, and some neighbor would tell you, “Why, that place has been abandoned for years!” like some episode of Are You Afraid of the Dark.
6. You’ve never been on a real date. Dates are for men who consider themselves boyfriends, not men who consider themselves f**k buddies.
7. He always insists on splitting the cost of the post-coital pizza you ordered. If one of you doesn’t pay for the pizza, it can’t be considered a date. He will follow #6 if it kills him.
8. He’s “busy” whenever you text him about something personal or emotional. Who has time to pause his game of Madden to talk to you about things like how you feel? If your text about your grandma passing away isn’t attached to a sexy picture, he won’t even bother opening it. Guys who just want you for sex aren’t going to spend time playing the boyfriend.
9. He always tries to initiate sex when you hang out. An easy way to tell the difference between guys who like having sex with you a lot and guys who only like having sex with you is this: Think back to a time when the two of you were together but weren’t having sex for more than an hour. If you can’t do that, he only wants you for sex.
10. The only thing he’s ever bought you that could be considered romantic is a vibrating cock ring. He was like, “Hey, I have a surprise for you,” and you could hear a faint vibration, and he dropped his pants and honestly expected you to be pumped about it.
11. Every conversation turns flirty/sexual. Every time you talk or text, it immediately turns into a conversation about having sex. He’s stopped even trying to be witty about it. “Oh, you’re at the grocery store right now? I sure would like to have sex with you … at the grocery store ;-)”
12. He texts you to meet up with a group, but wants to go back to your place/his place as soon as you get there. You might think you’re about to meet all of his friends at some bar, but when you get there, he’s already waiting outside with his coat and some condoms.
13. He only compliments your looks. He loves your ass but not your sense of humor. You always look “hot” but never “gorgeous.” If his compliments are superficial at best and gross at worst, he’s Just Not That Into You Starring Justin Long and Scarlett Johansson and Jennifer Aniston and Ben Affleck and That Chick From Once Upon a Time.
14. When he comes over, he heads straight for the bedroom. There’s no loitering in the kitchen or hanging out in the living room with this guy. He has streamlined the process of sex-having by eliminating or minimizing the chitchat or talk about your day. He’s like the Philip Glass of booty calls (that was a joke about the minimalist art movement that someone’s dad will probably find funny).
– Frank Kobola/Cosmopolitan US